Many older adults have grown up with the vision of having an empty nest as they head into their retirement years. But what happens when your child won’t fly the coop? If you’ve got an adult child living at home and struggling to find a job, you may be wondering what you can do to get them out of the basement and into the world on their own, or even why they are there in the first place.
In total, the current generation of young adults has been labeled the “boomerang generation” for its habit of moving out of the family home then coming right back. It is estimated that 26.6 million adults live with their parents, many due to not having the means to provide for themselves.
Whether your child is a “boomerang kid” or a “failure to launch,” you are probably hoping they will eventually find your way out of your home so you can have the relaxing retirement you’ve always dreamed of. Read on to find out how to teach your adult kids to live independently so you can finally get them out of your basement.
Factor in Why Your Adult Child is Still Living at Home
The approach you take to get your child out on their own is really going to depend on why they are there in the first place. Have they just been lying around the past few years, or is there something more going on?
Suppose your child has a history of financial irresponsibility, lack of work ethic, or poor decision-making. In that case, some changes need to be made so they can learn to function in society without your help. If this has been going on for a while now, they may even feel entitled to the way they’ve been living, so a conversation needs to be had. However, there are cases where your child’s situation may not necessarily be their fault.
Maybe your child just got laid off in the pandemic, or they are a newly single mom who hasn’t worked in years because they were raising kids. If they are coming to you for help, it may be a good idea to be a bit understanding while they find their footing.
Understand the Difference Between Economics and Expectations
Our society doesn’t function the same as it did 20, 30, or even 40 years ago. Just in the past year, there has been a shift, causing many people to question their financial stability. Between poor job prospects and extreme economic uncertainty, many young adults moved back in with their parents in 2020. According to the Pew analysis of Census Bureau data, as of July 2020, 52% of millennials were living in their parent’s homes.
As a whole, socio-economic concerns are the main reason many adults are returning to or still living in their parent’s homes. Staggering job losses and rising house prices make it hard for many people to afford to live independently, pushing them towards multigenerational living.
While these numbers may seem shocking, they are quickly becoming the norm in American life. While you may have been able to move out and create a life of your own as a young adult, the idea of landing a career and owning a house by 30 feels like an American Dream of the past for many adults today. The expectations you have for your child may be impossible to meet in today’s economy, so it is something to keep in mind.
Make Sure You Are Caring for Your Adult Children, Not Being a Caretaker
The key to good parenting is to balance love and limits. Over time, it has become somewhat of the norm for kids to handle less and less of their problems themselves. We’ve all heard stories from our grandparents about the struggles they endured back in the day. While it’s true that the economy was much different back then, and jobs were easier to come by, kids were also expected to do more for themselves.
Caring for your children is good and expected. Caretaking, however, creates problems in the long run. It’s the act of doing for your child things that they can and should do for themselves.
While these behaviors are born out of love, caretaking can stunt growth and make your children feel dependent on you. Things like paying bills, making doctor appointments, and cleaning up after themselves should be done by your child. This will help create a sense of self-confidence and self-reliance so that they feel better prepared to handle new problems as they arise.
Allow Your Young Kids to Struggle to Prepare Them for Adulthood
When listening to people’s success stories, you will often hear them talk about the struggles they went through and what those experiences taught them. Whether it’s the businessman that built his way up from nothing or the athlete that went from underdog to all-star, we cling to the lessons they learned from their struggles. But why?
Experiencing struggle leads to resilience, growth, and self-efficacy. They show you that even though the situation may be uncomfortable, you have survived past struggles, and you can survive this one as well.
There are many young adults who are experiencing struggle for the first time, and they don’t know what to do with that. Instead of cushioning them and fixing their problems for them, allow them to struggle for a bit. Eventually, there comes a point where they will handle the issue on their own and be better prepared for problems they will face in the future.
Teach Through Natural Consequences
Just as it’s important to teach young kids through natural consequences, your adult kids need to learn this too. If you are bailing your kid out every time they overspend or need something they can’t afford, they are never going to learn.
Let your child struggle and experience the natural consequences of their actions. If your child loses their job and returns home, it’s one thing to help them out to get them back on their feet. It’s another to handle all of their problems for them.
Your job as their parent should be to give them a soft place to land. However, they still need to make the jump and experience the fall on their own.
Don’t Underestimate the Power of Grit
Psychologist Angela Duckworth argues that the amount of grit a person has is directly linked to their level of success. Grit is about persevering through difficult circumstances without losing confidence. If your child lacks the motivation to get out there and work towards something, they might be lacking grit. The good news is that grit isn’t something you’re both with—it’s taught.
Here are a few simple ways you can help your kid develop more grit:
- Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You can’t grow in your comfort zone. Change and perseverance aren’t necessary for a safe space. But no space is safe forever. Your child needs to learn to step out of their comfort zone and get comfortable being in that space.
- Develop simple resiliency habits. Resilience is the ability to bounce back after a struggle. Just like getting back on the bike after a fall, your child needs to learn to create simple habits of picking themselves up, take a moment to collect themselves, and then getting back to it.
- Get clear on what is in your control. It’s easy to focus on the things that are out of our control and let them bog us down. Instead, teach your kid to focus on the things that they have control over. For example, you can’t control whether someone hires you for a job, but you do have control over the skills you can bring to the table.
- Focus on one step at a time. Life isn’t a race to the finish line, so there is no need to focus on everything at once. Help your kids put their focus into one thing at a time. If your kid needs a job, have them focus on that before moving onto the next step.
Set Your Adult Children Up for Independent Success
Before you start, take a step back and get an idea of where you are. Are you comfortable with your current situation because boundaries are being crossed, or do you simply want to see your adult child become more independent and challenge themselves?
As much as you may want your kid out of the house, you surely don’t want to see them fall flat on their face. Before rushing to get your kid out of the house, set them up for success by teaching them the financial and problem-solving skills they will need to navigate the current world.
Help Your Adult Child Create an Action Plan Towards Independence
Simply telling your kid you would like them to work on moving out probably isn’t going to garner much movement. Instead, work with your child to figure out a goal and create a clear action plan on how they plan to meet that goal.
Your child’s goal could be as simple as finding a job or as grand as finding an apartment in three months. This is really going to depend on you and your child’s situation and how much effort they are willing to put into meeting their goal.
Make sure your goal is something you both agree on, and let your kid know you are there to support them along the way.
Setting S.M.A.R.T. Goals
Setting S.M.A.R.T. goals helps you clarify your ideas and focus your efforts so you can achieve what you want in life.
- Specific: The goals you create with your child should be clear and specific so that you know exactly where to focus your efforts. What do you want to accomplish? Why is it important? Who is involved? Which resources are available to you? What are your limitations?
- Measurable: Your goals need to be measurable so that you can track your process. Measurable goals should ask questions like how much and how many. This will give you an idea of what it will look like when you accomplish your goal.
- Achievable: Set your goals with realism and attainability in mind. For example, if the goal is to have your child move out, understand that this isn’t going to happen in a month if they don’t have a job or any kind of savings. Ask yourself, “how can I accomplish this goal within constraints that I have?”
- Relevant: You want to make sure the goals you are setting with your child matter to both of you and align with any other relevant goals you may have. You’ll also want to take into consideration things like timing and the current socio-economic environment.
- Time-Bound: Every goal needs a deadline so that you have something to focus on and work towards. This also helps prioritize your goal over other everyday tasks that may act as a distraction. Keep in mind that your target date should give you a realistic amount of time to achieve your goal.
Establish Clear House Rules
Just as you would for a tenant or roommate, lay out the house rules in a way that everyone knows what is expected of them. Are you sensitive to loud noises or strong smells? Do you expect your kids to call if they will be out late so that you don’t worry? Are visitors allowed over, and if so, what are the policies around that?
Make sure to establish clear boundaries as well. When you’ve got adult children living in the home, you have to treat it somewhat like a roommate situation. Remember, you are not talking to a child—this is an agreement between two adults, so it should be treated as such. Negotiate the terms and figure out which accommodations you are willing to make.
If a disagreement arises, don’t waver. Set your parameters and stick to them. Your kid may decide they aren’t happy with your terms and decided to live elsewhere. More power to them. Just like with any other property they do not own, they are not entitled to live there. The opportunity to live in your home is a privilege and should be treated that way.
Teach Your Child Financial Responsibility
While money management skills should be taught as early as the toddler years, these discussions should continue well into adulthood. Financial topics like taxes, credit, and investing are not taught in schools the way they used to be, so it is your job as the parent to make sure your kids have a clear understanding of these topics.
Whether they are still living at home or have a place of their own, understanding credit and investing can help your kids avoid bad debt and reach their financial goals. Once they have established some form of financial stability, it should be easy for them to transition into living on their own.
Your Child’s Bills Are Theirs to Pay
Supporting your children financially for too long can drain your resources and prevent them from learning how to manage their own finances.
Whether your child returns home after a job loss or has never left in the first place, you need to make it clear to them that their bills are their responsibility. While it can be difficult to say no to your child (especially in times of struggle), this will be good for them in the long run.
If you are currently paying your child’s bills, have a conversation with them to let them know that some changes will be made, then come up with a financial plan to help them prepare for these changes. Start small, like taking them off the family phone plan or asking them to pay their own insurance.
Little by little, your kids will become accustomed to paying their own bills and slowing transition into the stage of “adulting.”
Share Your Professional Networks and Knowledge with Your Children
You may have heard the saying, “it’s not what you know; it’s who you know.” Well, it’s not wrong. We are often taught growing up to focus on studies and get good grades, but the idea of networking and building professional relationships isn’t typically touched on.
If your child is struggling to find a job, but you believe in their potential, trying to connect them to others in your professional network. Once they have a foot in the door, they may surprise you with what they can accomplish.
Avoid Offering Money Unless You’re Specifically Asked
If you have a habit of giving your children money for expenses here and there, you may be making them reliant on you without even realizing it. It’s one thing to give your kid money for outings as a teen, but now that they are an adult they need to be responsible for their own expenses. Unless your child specifically asks for money, avoid giving them cash handouts.
If your child does happen to ask you for money, think hard about what they plan to do with it. Is this money for a want or a need? Do they have the means to come up with the cash on their own if they put the effort in? Is this a request they’ve thought hard about, or are they frivolously asking out of habit?
When you do give your child money, consider giving it to them as a loan instead of a gift. Set up a regular payment plan and get the agreement in writing to make it official.
Consider Helping Your Child Buy a Home
Owning a home is one of the biggest investments many people plan for in their lifetime, so why aren’t today’s young adults buying them?
To put it simply, most young adults can’t afford it. In today’s market, first-time homebuyers may find themselves struggling with student debt, rising home prices, a low supply of homes, and a competitive job market. In 2021 alone, housing prices rose by double digits while inventories dropped to historic lows. As a result, many are returning home or seeking assistance from their parents.
Here are a few of the most common ways parents are helping their kids buy a home:
- Purchase the home outright. One of the most common ways to help your child buy a home is to purchase the home in your name. You could either rent the home out to your kid to help cover mortgage costs or simply gift it to them altogether.
- Provide the down payment for the home. Most conventional mortgages require a 20% down payment, which is a hefty sum that many young adults struggle to come up with. A recent survey found that 38% of respondents will have financial assistance for the down payment from their parents.
- Co-own the home with your child. If your child can afford the home but lacks the credit score to be approved for the loan, you may want to consider cosigning or co-owning the home with your child. However, this should only be done if you are absolutely confident your child will make the monthly mortgage payments.
A quick tip: If you help out with cash, think about whether you need to file a gift tax return. You should also avoid dipping into your retirement funds or going into debt to help your child buy a home.
Don’t Be Critical of the Lifestyle Your Child Can Afford
If your son or daughter gets a job that isn’t necessarily what you had in mind, support them in that choice and don’t criticize. Even if that job only pays enough to get them a rundown apartment on the opposite side of town, it is something they have worked to achieve, and there is a sense of dignity in that.
Make sure to avoid accidentally belittling their choices in conversation as well. Instead of saying things like, “that’s all she could afford,” or “that was the only job available at the moment,” praise them for the efforts they have put in and offer support for continued success in a positive way.
Consider Creating a Mutually Beneficial Living Situation
It can’t be ignored that the economy factors into why so many adults still live with their parents. According to Generations United, the number of families living in multigenerational households has increased by 271% in the past decade due to socio-economic reasons. It is estimated that 66.7 million adults in the U.S. are living in multigenerational housing; that equals out to more the 1 in 4 Americans.
But living in a multigenerational household does not mean you have to act as your kids’ caretaker. This kind of living situation should be beneficial for everyone involved.
In a survey of Americans living in multigenerational homes, 76% cited improved finances. This does not mean dipping into your retirement to bail your kids out of their financial issues or paying all of the bills on your own.
Have a family meeting and be clear about what is expected from everyone living in the home. Cleaning and cooking shouldn’t just be your job; your kids are now adults, after all. Establish who will pay for what expenses. Will the grocery bill be split among the family? How will utilities be handled? What kind of contribution is expected for rent?
Creating a living situation that is mutually beneficial can alleviate some of the stress that comes with living with your adult children without the guilt of feeling like you aren’t doing enough for them.
Invest in a Multiunit Property
Investing in a multi-unit property like a duplex or fourplex is a great way to support your child and generate some extra income to cover mortgage costs. For example, you could allow your kid to stay in one of the units at a lower rate and ask them to act as an onsite property manager. Not only will this get them out of your basement and on their own, but they will get valuable management experience as well.
This works for multigenerational families as well and may even give you more space of your own. Properties with four or more units would allow your family to stay close while giving you the feeling of living separately. This also separates duties and expenses, so you don’t feel like you are caretaking for the entire family.
The Bottom Line
If you are a parent whose adult child is living at home in a dependent situation that has become uncomfortable or intolerable, you are not alone. Many adults today are struggling to find independence, whether that be the effect of the economy or their aversion to making sacrificing and putting in the work.
While there is nothing wrong with a family pulling together to make it work, there comes a time for many parents where they start to feel like they are being taken advantage of. It is never too late for your child to learn lessons in self-reliance and perseverance. Remember, it’s okay for them to struggle a bit. You might be surprised how far they can go when you give them the nudge to fly.